.

2008-11-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

Today marks the end of November. 35 months, 297 posts and an undergraduate degree later, I think it's about time I finally moved on with my life by closing down this blog. The real world awaits!!!! See you and thank you for all of your comments luvs.

Now or Never

2008-11-26T04:25:00.000-08:00

Prague Castle

I really don't want to get myself too hyped up about the upcoming Eastern European backpacking trip that my friends and I intend to take. After all, the parents have not given a definite 'yes'. I believe my mom took it to mean at least five to six of us are going.... when in fact, there are only 3 of us girls going! Thing is, it's almost impossible to get anyone to go these days, especially when more than half of our friends are still studying, don't have the funds or have other commitments. Yet it's hard to let this dream go. I know if I don't do it now... I wouldn't have the opportunity to do it with friends some time in the future.

Plus, it's hard to get the image of Prague Castle off my mind. And I've just finished watching EuroTrip and can't get the Scotty doesn't know song out of my mind either. In other words, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS TRIP SOMEHOW!

Of Fidelity and Loyalty

2008-11-18T04:10:00.000-08:00

In the last Gossip Girl episode, Serena's love interest came clean and told her that their relationship wasn't exclusive and that he was seeing other people and that she, was welcome to see other people too. That seemed like a fair thing to do but... like all plans and concepts it had a major flaw. I never really believed in open relationships because one party is definitely bound to love the other more. What Aaron Rose didn't know was that Serena had fallen for him and did not want to see other people notwithstanding (hahaha lee yee.. i used this word in the right context..inside joke) the choice of an open relationship. Hence the choice he gave her was never really an option to Serena. How is that even fair?

The Economics of Legalising Drugs (adapted from Andrew Roche's Australian Drug Policy - Farrago)

2008-11-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

I read this interesting article today, about the legalization of drugs. My bf pointed the article out to me and I was a bit skeptical about the subject matter. After all, what could possibly justify selling Class A drugs (Heroine, Cocaine) over the counter right? A lot apparently.

It's funny they don't teach us this in economics because it has a lot to do with supply/demand as well as individual utility preferences and it has serious implications on reducing predatory activities. The main reason being, just like they found out with alcohol, there is no point in trying impose a complete ban on something when individuals will still consume it anyway, by hook or by crook. Since no one is able to change the way individuals behave, addicts will probably source drugs from underground markets. And because these dealers are aware of the scarcity of drugs, they overprice the drugs causing the addicts (who may have run short on cash along the way), to commit thievery. In the process, these drug dealers (the mob, mafia etc), will also make a whole lotta money which can be used to fund their other illegal activities that might have a negative effect on society as a whole.

Now consider a situation where governments legalize drugs and doctors are able to administer these drugs to addicts. Ergo, these addicts will be able to go to the nearest clinic and providing they have the money, the doctors will give them the amount they want and if they want more... just give them more (of course, like alcohol.. there will be an age restriction imposed). The prices of these class A drugs will be much cheaper than those offered by the underground market obviously. Reason being, drugs have been legalised.. hence, it is not a scarce commodity. Once the price of drugs drops, underground dealers have little incentive to partake in a perfectly competitive market. Hence they stop dealing in drugs, a lucrative source of income will be cut off and there will be less thievery from addicts as well.

The argument makes sense in a lot of ways. If you disregard the morality issues linked to the legalization of drugs, we will find a nash equilibrium in which, neither institutions (we separate them into addicts and non-addicts) will want to deviate from this social policy. If drugs are sold OTC, only good can come out of it. Think about it, there will be the same amount of people taking drugs but less theft and less mob-related crime activities. The non-addicts and addicts will both agree to this situation.

As for me, I think going all the way by saying drugs should be legalised is too far-fetched for now. I believe more research has to be done on this policy before we are able to say... 'we are certain what the outcome of this policy will be'. As an economics undergraduate, I know enough to say that individual preferences and rationality vary over time, person to person. While legalising drugs has the means to cut off the so-called underground source of drugs, many might take it to think that it is an 'okay' thing to do in the long run. In a dynamic environment, the amount of addicts may rise in the future because society perceives it to be a perfectly normal thing to do... like the consumption of alcohol and cigarettes.

To end, I quote Andrew Roche's lead-in phrase : "If I were a drug addict, I'd rather let the government govern than the mafia."

I couldn't stop laughing when I read what PM Abdullah said: Anyone can become Prime Minister (of Malaysia)

2008-11-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

I'm still laughing.

It has taken a 400-year old democracy to break down religious, racial and gender barriers. It only took our PM five minutes to conclude ' anyone can become prime minister', like it's a walk in the park.

yah. americans say, 'yes we can, yes we did!'. malaysian says, 'tak bolehlah'.

2008-11-01T23:16:00.001-07:00

the high of chalking the cobbled-stone pavements of uni has faded and been replaced with this panicky, yet-i'm-still-not-doing-anything-about-my-exams mode. Sigh. After seven pages filled with portfolio immunisation calculations, I gave up and packed my books and calculator away... and moved on to doing the more mundane things in life. As if portfolio immunisation wasn't mundane enough.. Between that and folding clothes, I don't know which is the lesser of the two evils. It irks me that no matter how much I try, I will never be a neat person. Like really. Perhaps that's why I'd prefer to live in a cozy penthouse than a huge bungalow with a swimming pool and a dog. I can't imagine how my parents coped all this while with just two maids. Technically, only one maid since Lily has been promoted to full-time baby sitter and before the baby came long, she was the only one cleaning such a big house.

it's ironic though how I haven't learnt much regarding household chores after four years of living 'independently'. In my high school essays, I used to argue how 'studying overseas' would enable a student to be more independent and less lazy. Well, at least I now know the very truth of living independently.

i.e.
i) I still don't know how to cook steam fish or any real chinese dish for that matter (bak kut teh doesn't count)
ii) I can count the number of times I've gone to Vic mart to purchase fresh food
iii) my laundry still tends to pile up - until I'm reduced to taking the first thing I see and washing and drying it overnight so that I'd still have clothes to wear the next day
iv) I iron once every 3 months or alternatively, when I really need to iron
v) My clothes still get stained although I've separated the the colours from the whites

and the list goes on... so no, I don't see how living independently for four years has made me a better person from this perspective.

Although... I did learn that I shouldn't leave pasta sauce in the pan sitting out for two weeks. =)

2008-11-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

i don't know... i could crash and burn but maybe...
at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me.

2008-10-27T01:04:00.001-07:00

I received a letter today from the Department of Finance. I kinda knew what it was but that didn't stop me from hoping it was just another invitation to do Honours in Finance. I trembled as I opened the letter and there it was:

Venue: Rm 208 Economics and Commerce Building
Date and Time: 2.00 p.m., 7th November 2008
Host: Professor Rob Brown and Professor Paul Kofman
With Regards to: Assignment 1

We strongly encourage you to attend this meeting. Please RSVP by 6 November 2008.

I nearly died of a heart attack. If you guys cared, you would show up outside Rm 208 on Friday 7th November. I need all the support I can get. It's not just a matter of 5 marks just so you know.

Having an opinion on the opinionated.

2008-10-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

Lee Yee: Maybe my cousin is right... maybe we are 'generation don't give a f**k.'

It's not that we don't give a damn because we are ignorant or apathetic to the issues around us. I can assure you, at least a quarter of us Gen-Y's are very much aware of political and financial matters and more than that. And we may even have an 'opinion' on these issues. But when it comes to caring, an automatic wall starts rising between us and the issue. It all boils down to one question: What is the point?

I may constantly voice my opinions and ponder upon the same issue. I may sometimes feel too much and take an almost-stubborn stance on something I truly believe in. Once upon a time, I told fellow Gen-Y Malaysians that it is our duty to vote. But so what? After wasting all of my breath trying to convince others that my opinion matters and theirs too... but I am more right than them... what is the point? Did I gain anything besides an inflated ego? Did I do something to change the way the world rotates? And as a person on the receiving end of my opinions, did you feel deeply moved by the way I went on and on and on....

I'm guessing no. Because we are all so different in many ways... I cannot make you passionate about the things I care about. Justeru itu, there is no point caring and being too opinionated kan?

I'm just an idiot... this ain't a fairytale..

2008-10-24T17:26:00.001-07:00

I'm not the one who can sit around,
Click refresh a few times a day to hope that
Everything will return to the way it was.

lesson not learnt: not to be too soft-hearted.

2008-10-22T03:00:00.003-07:00

For some bloody reason, I keep getting caught up in dreams that tell tales of impending doom. Last night was the third night in two weeks I felt the world collapsing on me. Yes, sometimes I am part of Noah's Ark 2, The Day after Tomorrow 2 as well as Star Wars VII - Let The Machines Rage.

In one instance, I can vividly picture my family and I rushing towards a so-called 'flying contraption' - It was round and looked like it was made of steel and hard cement (I know, how on earth can this thing fly if it's so heavy right?). Anyway, so we're in this flying contraption thingamajigy, strapped in and buckled up, all ready to escape OTHER flying UFOs which seemed intent upon destroying humans, our so-called plane was being steered down the runway, out of nowhere this police officer stops our plane and tells us that the portal to another world has been shut, closed, boom-banged, takda!

And I can't remember what happens after that cause my alarm clock always rings at the climax. Which is all very well if I wanted an anti-climax but I DIDN'T, NOT YET! I mean can't a girl enjoy the end of the world without being interruptedd????

2008-10-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

After 3.5 years in chilly Melbourne, my lips finally chapped. Shocking, I know.
Of course, it doesn't help that I bumped it against the boyfriend's forehead and it started bleeding.

What other 'first times' will there be in store for me?

2008-10-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

I should have so done this a week ago: *click*

Too bad. Don't have enough start-up capital to begin with, true?
There are going to be a lot of ethical issues regarding punting and speculating - some people have the notion that it's just pure gambling. Ahah, don't be jealous cause someone else with enough money thought about it first is all I can say.

Anyways, just spoke to the parents about my graduation date and possibly a trip to Sydney. I get the feeling that my mom wants to spend as little time as possible in Melbourne.

Speaking of graduation, I really am starting to get a teensy bit worried about exams. What do you think I should do next? Shopping or Mahjong?

Oh btw wena, I'm writing this post at 2.45 p.m. Just to prove to you I didn't go for Investments. Heheh. Happy?

Mark the Date: 15th December 2008, 2.30 p.m (This is not an invitation, it's a command!)

2008-10-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

These days, final year students seem to be labelling everything as 'the last one'. The last assignment, last final exam, last mid-term exam, the last ever lecture, the last spring break. There is a sense of finality in the way we say it, as if all of us have chosen a path which wouldn't see us back through the gates of university.

This thought brings me back to the last days of high school where there was a sense of euphoria everywhere in the air. I remember Ken Ming running through the corridor, shouting 'merdeka' perhaps?, while the rest of us were still sweating it out in the exam hall. I remember the post-exam celebrations IN SCHOOL, where we toasted and cheered and popped champagne. And when the final bell resounded in the air, we stood on the staircase facing the vast open field and shouted for our freedom. Back then, it felt like the world was at our feet, waiting to be treaded on.

4 years on, nonetheless wiser, perhaps more knowledgeable, the world has finally arrived at my feet. I will face the same circumstances only in a very different setting. But come pomp- and- circumstance- and- ceremonial-robes-day, the only thing I will be doing is wishing I could retake those 4 years. No, it's not called being stuck in my comfort zone. It's called refusing to let go of the best days of my life.

But it remains, I have to march on forward and close the door to my past on the 15th of December.

PS: I accept gifts in the form of flowers, teddy bears or anything that is non-disposable and non-consumable. K THNX BYE!

Lucky

2008-10-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

You've got to hear the tune to the song before you understand why I am currently into right now. It's Jason Mraz... no one can say no to Jason Mraz. Tune aside, I am able to relate the lyrics to various relationships in my life. It's about God, it's about the boyfriend, it's about the family and the good friends.

Do we need a reason to be in love?

The Alter Ego

2008-10-10T05:35:00.001-07:00

Kate's been a bad bad girl. Kate's been having early morning rendezvous' with the mahjong set. It makes her very very happy but it also makes her very very sleepy for her 11 a.m Economics class. But who cares about class when you have Mahjong? Kate strolled into her Investments lecture half an hour late and strolled out, half an hour early. We interviewed her after the lecture and all she could say was, at least I attended. Kate's happiness peaked this week when she was allowed to play mahjong for 5 hours straight, and tiled a 'ping hu' which gave her maximum points. Her second happiest moment was when her Corporate Finance tutor didn't show up because he was ill. She felt guilty (all this while, her conscience had been wishing that he wouldn't show up!), but it took her five minutes to get over it. Exams are less than a month away but Kate is generally oblivious to the fact that she needs to start studying. You see, Kate thinks she will be able to utilise her superpowers (last minute cramming), to get her all the H1's that she needs. Little does Kate know, she's not as smart she she thinks she is. But that's ok, as long as Kate herself thinks she is smart, nothing is going to deter her from being happy. There is nothing on Kate's agenda next week except perhaps... a birthday party or two and hopefully, a Mahjong and Movie session as well. That makes her very happy (to the power of infinity).

O deaarriee mee Kate, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into.

2008-10-08T04:25:00.000-07:00

One Week After Bailout, AIG executives head to California resort

If only I knew how to make that statement flash rainbow colour.

In the process, they spent USD $400000 on rooms, meals and get this: spa treatment!

Note to self: don't discriminate, beefy men are allowed to soak in perfume-scented suds too.

There are no other words but pure selfishness to describe this heinous act. These upper-class Americans are past the stage of of remorse. Having squandered billions of tax payers' dollars already, $400000 is like a blip in the ocean of sunk cost. They don't care, so why should their fellow Americans care? Is there a lesson to be learnt here? Do these turn of events signify that greed could possibly be the deadliest sin, one that can escape unpunished in this world. You can send a man to jail for murder, your pride could possibly be wounded by words said by another... yet greediness is rewarded with fat remuneration packages and a week-long retreat at a Californian spa.

I once wondered aloud: Was society always this twisted? Maybe. There was a period in time where I checked the news every half an hour, perhaps just waiting for justice to take place. Was society always this twisted? Justice never came, and I was convinced that we weren't always this twisted. Someone must have coined the term justice hence they must have been civilised once upon a time.

On why Miss Lee has to graduate before the 15th of December...

2008-10-06T05:48:00.000-07:00

Here goes, my awesome-pawsome crap-a-lotty skills:

"To whom it may concern,

Request for Specific Graduation Date by the end of this week

I am an international student (Faculty of Economics and Commerce) from Malaysia who has already sent in a form confirming my attendance for the December 2008 graduation ceremony. I have recently been informed however, that all flights back to my home country have been fully - booked from the 18th to the 24th December and have been placed on an earlier flight, which takes off on 17th December. I had previously tried to book a seat much earlier of course but was placed on the waiting list. Now, Malaysian Airlines has confirmed that seats on those dates are fully booked out. In addition to this dilemma, a sibling of mine is to be wed on the 19th of December and it would be in my best interest to attend the marriage ceremony.

I understand that the student administration receives numerous applications to either change or fix graduation dates and are not able to accommodate all requests. I also understand that there are other options available to me including deferring my graduation ceremony to next year. However, I have already accepted a job back in Malaysia and will find it hard-pressed to take leave once the job commences on the 16th of February. Given the situation, I would like to request for my ceremony to take place either on the 13th or the 15th of December.

Furthermore, I believe official graduation dates will only be released next week. However, I would appreciate it if you could let me know by this week if I will be able to graduate on either the 13th or 15th. In this case, I will be able to advise my family members if they should buy air tickets as soon as possible (before they are fully-booked) to attend the ceremony.

I understand this is a lot to ask for and appreciate the time you have taken to read and process this request. To further clarify the claims I am making and to illustrate the sincerity of my request, I am more than willing to scan and fax proof of my airline ticket as well as any other documents you may need to substantiate my claims. I truly thank you for your time and sincerely hope you will consider my request.

Best Regards,

Ai Peng Lee
Student No: 250281
Email: a.lee27@ugrad.unimelb.edu.au
Contact number: 0401961576"

2008-10-05T03:00:00.000-07:00

I believe in second chances. Rejection and past mistakes have taught me the beauty of second chances, and not only do I believe I should be given one but so should the current author whose work I am currently reading: John Irving!!!

After ditching 'A Widow for A Year' close to four years ago, I swore never to touch another Irving book. But upon someone's insistence that he is possibly one of the greatest authors of all times, and because I hold this person's taste for books to the highest regard... I marched into Borders today, and picked up a copy of The Cider House Rules.

I'm 40 pages into it and so far, it contains more entertainment than 300 pages of Anna Karenina.

Barbie a success except for....

2008-10-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

i) yours truly sitting a good 15 metres away from the bbq pit, nervously glancing at it every now and then, hoping against all hope that it wouldn't blow up in flames and cause Concept Blue Inferno - Episode 1. I really do suffer from pyrophobia.

ii) bloody hot english mustard!

I felt very pai seh... especially since I told Sherlyn that it's only fair if ppl bbq-ed their own stuff.
i.e. - if you wanted sausages, do it yourself. =D. I also felt extremely pai seh when people started complaining about the hot english mustard but I brushed it off in a bravado manner.

loris, lee yee, chai lee, chai ying, grace, sherlyn, carina & the guys: Ai Peng, why the mustard so hot one! It's worse than wasabi!

me: OOOhhh, nice what! I love spicy stuff.... mmph mmph... chomp chomp...yummmm *bites on a piece of sausage filled with generous amounts of mustard* wtf *cough cough cough cough cough* help! orange juice pls! i can't breathe!

ok piece of advice ppl, never ever buy hot english mustard. it's not anything like chong qing chilli special. nothing like it. it's like wasabi X 100.

All that aside, I felt it was one of the best barbies i've had in ages.
Things I still crave for include:

i) lamb marinaded overnight in whiskey, worchestershire sauce, salt, pepper and thick soy caramel, sprinkled with garlic and onions and lightly coated in olive oil (best dish of the night)

ii) grilled cheese and garlic butter on toast ---> this put a smile on everyone's face

iii) honey soy chicken with worchestershire sauce. * I added the worchestershire sauce in by mistake, turned out great!*

iv) sliced carrots lightly tossed with orange and lemon juice, mixed herbs included

v) best company eevvveerrrrr....

ah well, special thanks to Sherlyn for helping prepare the marinades. The whiskey lamb was sooo her idea, and so were the home made burger patties. they were freaking fantastic!

2008-09-30T10:29:00.001-07:00

I don't mean to sound emo but but...

that little bit of effort could mean a difference between success and failure.

3 years of learning the same thing and sometimes you find out, you know close to nothing.

what's on everyone's minds...

2008-09-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

I've always admired two of my very best friends for their galls and guts to do everything that I could never bring myself to do. Travel alone, sun bathe topless on the beach, make new friends, kiss random people and more... They lack fear, a gene that's inherent in me and they live one step at a time despite the consequences they might face.

At this point in time, I have to find a breakthrough. I can't always be afraid of being physically 'away' from my friends and my boyfriend. I keep telling myself that 6 months is not a long time... plus, the job would probably work me crazy until I will not have time for a proper social life. And isn't that what being young is all about?

I think I need to grow some balls.

2008-09-26T10:05:00.001-07:00

After chanting "I must not cry... I must not cry... I must not cry" seven times over, I found myself rubbing off a tear or two with my fingertips after watching the season premier of Greys. Now i'm trying to assure myself that it's okay to 'weep' once in a while. Everybody does it, right?

quote off the greys: We can't save everybody. We can only try.

Is this the part where we grow up and start living?

2008-09-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

Baby Ryan's turning one!!!!!

2008-09-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

For his birthday, apparently there will be two cakes. One with Simba and the other with Thomas the Tank.... i'm so excited, for no apparent reason. I'm torn between getting him a rocking horse (and possibly spending $100 on Fedex just to ship it back) and getting him a Lion King book with sounds. RAWR!

But.... I heard that he either throws books or bites them.

Haih, kids these days are so spoilt. Ryan's attending music class at the age of eleven months.
It's called kindermusic. I have never heard of such a spectacle... they teach babies nursery rhymes and the actions to go along with it.

As J so simply put it: Even my dad can do that!!!!

Haha, true true.. But as it turns out J, someone beat your dad to that idea and is currently making a lot of money out of it.

Baby Ryan = music prodigy? Maybe... if he can get past the stage of destroying the baby grand...

2008-09-21T05:24:00.001-07:00

finalllyy....achieveeddd...that... puff puff.... elusive... puff puff....10 km... puffpuff...
*faints*.

owhh...

ramli burger tmrw!

*edit* I so have to add this in. I recall miming to Jay Chou songs when I was 15 in extremely bad mandarin

cai li kai mei do jiu jiu ... something something bu hao
zui du du na ke ai de blah balh blah...

mei you ni cai wo yo duo nan ao
blah blah balh... =D

brings back bitter sweet memories. trust me... it does.

To Deal with Petty Things in Life....

2008-09-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

Someone stole my wallet last night. It had to be the middle-eastern family sitting behind me in close proximity.

Thanks so much for making my day. Really. =).
Not only did it satisfy me to know that there was no money in my wallet (all but a few coins) and that there was also NO money in any of my atm cards... (i'm very broke...they picked the wrong person) but at least I got to skip class cause I had to make a police report. And on my way to the police station, I managed to catch a glimpse of Grant Hackett in the Olympic Parade. AND on top of that, it made me glad to know that I put off buying my Gucci wallet until now.

So thank you, you filthy stinking thieves. Nice to know you had a good laugh yesterday while I was enjoying my well-deserved dessert. Well guess what? I had the last laugh and a jolly good day.

2008-09-16T09:14:00.001-07:00

When engulfed in a state of helplessness, what do you do? I want answers and I want it now. I hate not knowing. Not knowing makes me feel incompetent, leaves me pondering on the answers over night. Possibly using up a good portion of grey matter... leaving less for exams! ohno!

Aiya, I think I just need to get out more and stop thinking too much.

Who wants to take me on a date that doesn't involve DOTA? =P

2008-09-15T04:55:00.000-07:00

There's a reason why I constantly check TheStar, CNN, Malaysia Today and Straits Times every half an hour. I can never tell when something serious is gonna strike next. Then again, maybe this isn't such a good thing to do. It leaves me in a very depressed state at times. Especially today, here are the top stories from around the world:

- Lehman Brothers file for bankruptcy while tonnes lose their jobs
- Asian stocks fall, while Australian banks react negatively to the news
- Zaid resigns as law minister
- second baby dies in China's milk scandal

To cheer myself up, I decided to devote my time to exercising and cooking. I looked up a recipe for Vindaloo and found this really scrumptious sounding Vindaloo recipe for fish fillets! It's healthy and it's spicy! My favourite combo...

So I went down to the spice store near Chinatown and picked up all the necessary items. I love that shop. You can find almost any kind of spice there; crushed mustard seeds, turmeric powder, anise stars, cardamoms and green chillies which emit the spiciest aroma ever.

So yes, before dinner I ran and ran and ran. Then it took me two whole hours to cook up the fish vindaloo with tamarind rice. And voila...this made me happy for awhile..

FishVindaloo with Tamarind Rice from scratch. =) Although, it only made me happy for awhile when I noticed the amount of washing to do.

sigh.

2008-09-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

It's hard not getting riled up. Especially when one becomes too attached to one's own country. So forgive me if I come off as harsh, rude and offensive. I mean what I say, but I don't mean to come off as just that. Of course, that's exactly what they want everyone to feel. Angered, hurt, ready to take to the streets... but thankfully, there are many mild-mannered people who can control hot-headed individuals like me.

The point is there is no point in getting all riled up. The only satisfaction I get from it is letting others know that I am a passionate nationalist and can't do much else but to say I love my country to bits and am willing to defend it to the core. People usually flee when things get nasty but do you know what I feel now? I wish to be back there despite all the instability. I wish to be near my family and the people whom I grew up with.

I wish to tell other Malaysians, please stay and defend its freedom and its liberty. Don't leave now and come back home only when everything's ok. Because if you leave now, there may not be a home for you.

2008-09-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

I will not leave my country. They will not scare me away. I will not apply for an Australian or Singaporean PR because I refuse to be a real immigrant.

2008-09-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

Lady Director at 'Company X': So, do you consider yourself a high achiever?

Me: Yes.

Lady Director: Looking at your grades, what is second level first division?

Me: A seventy five and above.

Lady Director: That's not exactly the top grade is it?

Me: No.

Lady Director: And you still consider yourself a high achiever?

Me: *wtf stoned face then proceeds to make a comeback*. It's the whole package, is it not? *smirks*

ok, maybe i shouldn't have smirked.

Leaving.

2008-09-10T08:12:00.000-07:00

I was in the Baillieu today reminiscing. After all, I did spend a fair amount of time in that overheated library with musty 100 year old carpets. What I can't stand is the thought of not having buddies to argue about mathematical equations and the logic behind it. Or spending an hour aimlessly chatting, ignoring the pile of work in front of me. Or not having Lee Yee and Loris to buy me coffee while they get some fresh air. And sprinting up 3 flights of stairs with heavy files and books AND COFFEE IN HAND to find every nook and cranny occupied during exam time. Overdosing on Mother. Having library assistants glare at us for daring to snack in the library. Laughing and guffawing uncontrollably until we scared the next table away. Of half-eaten peeled bananas in ziplock bags. Stupidly asking anonymous to say she wasn't anonymous, although she was anonymous. Watching on in amazement as Lee Yee completed a 2000 word essay in 4 hours (wtf, super alien skills), while I struggled through one lecture in the same amount of time. Dissing cannot-make-it lecturers. Waiting for nish to announce 'let's go to union house i'm hungry'. Hating that graffiti-filled, conducive Hepatitis A breeding ground toilet. Checking out cute girls. Checking out cute guys. Checking out guys who cannot make it. All this has been an integral part of my life. What am I going to do without it?

2008-09-09T04:31:00.000-07:00

sick.of.applications.

I used to think about starting a business to help graduates get the job/MBA of their choice. I was talking about this idea to my sister about a year ago. Like what would be really cool was to set up this business where we would give graduates the necessary training and tips to get the MBA/job of their choice. For a fee, we would be able to GUARANTEE their entrance. I got this idea from a book called the 'Ivy Chronicles' where Upper East Side Manhattaners paid big bucks to get their kids into ivy league kindergartens. =.='

Then again, I didn't know any Malaysians who were desperate enough to hire our services. So I placed a big X across this idea and rendered it useless. Now i'm back at square one; applying for corporate jobs.

Ah well, a wanna-be entrepreneur's got to start somewhere right?

2008-09-08T04:12:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling raw, I'm feeling rough, I'm in the prime of my life.

taGGed - 15 Little Things

2008-09-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

GARRRRRHH I TYPED OUT A NICE PARAGRAPH AND IT DISAPPEARED!!! EFFING BLOGGER. DIE DIE DIE!

ok. sorry for the OTT behaviour.

I rarely do tags simply because... I don't actually get tagged very often. So this is for anon @ fulfillingmybeforeidielist.blogspot.com

She is a very interesting read I assure you. She spends her time in the library as the next Hermione Granger doing some 'light reading' while she's actually poring over literature by Voltaire and Einstein. And she makes weird but interesting statements about humans traveling faster than light.

1. Up till yesterday, I was intimidated at the thought of reading Anna Karenina. A few pages a day, Lee Yee said. I said, 'Ok' partly cause I didn't want to seem like an unintellectual wuss.

2. I don't want to be a corporate whore but as I speak, the very cells in me are molding me into one. I am one because there's nothing else I want to be for now. And like not wanting to read Anna Karenina, that scares me too.

3. I wait for the steps of an escalator to pass twice before eventually stepping on it. If i'm on heels, four. If it's five stories high up, 6. Yes Janelle, maybe someday I will climb Bukit Tabur.

4. A part of me thinks she can do a lot of things, like training for the Olympics (kayaking) and singing on Malaysian Idol and yet I can't get over acrophobia.

5. I am the 'information highway'. My co-source is my boyfriend who wikis everything. Other info just naturally comes to me.

6. When I wake up every morning, I immediately reach out for my glasses and then my Mac. It comforts me to know that I can find a computer within 20 metres of everywhere I go.

7. I once displayed signs of bulimia.

8. I still weigh myself everyday.

9. I hate salads - waste of money to buy takeaway salads. Too tasteless to feel like making them on my own.

10. coffee, macdonalds and roti canai make my intestinal bowels churn - effective immediately.

11. there is a memory of us sitting by the yarra, facing the opposite direction of the current and it felt like sailing away on a boat. felt awesome but I never had a chance to do it again.

12. i'm secretly cursing anonymous by now because it's 4 a.m. and I have no idea what number 13,14 and 15 are going to be.

13. i've always wanted to dye my hair platinum blonde just to see if I will start thinking like one.

14. i sing 'am i not pretty enough?' in the bathroom, at least once a week.

15. I can pull off almost any joke/lie/bluff with a straight face.

I tag:
the confabulist, the banana@musicreak, absharina-holmes, jonathanlim, chai lee the chilly

A Little Book of Facts

2008-09-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

It is not that we set out with the intention to make a mess of our lives. It just happens. I told a truth because I did not want to lie. To cover up the truth I made up five consecutive lies. Frankly m'dears, it's not that simple to tell a truth and get away with it.

Today, I saw and believed: there REALLY ARE dumb bums lurking the halls of uni.

Today, I realised I can be a really really nice and naive person. Really. So please, don't take advantage of me if you really are my friend, my friend once removed, my friend thrice removed or a complete stranger.

Some people just can't accept another's opinion besides their own because opinions are all they have.

I have two midsems on Thursday and Friday, and I just started studying today. I thank God for my brain's marvellous ability to sponge up anything and everything but Corporate Finance and Investments.

2008-08-26T04:21:00.000-07:00

I'm walking on the streets with an iPod in my ears, blaring loud hiphop music. It's dark and it's raining and I'm about to enter a dark alleyway in Chinatown. I love the feeling. One of the things I will miss doing alone in Melbourne.

The more I think about it, the more I can't believe it. Emails rejecting and accepting my interview applications keep going in and out, and it all seems like such a surreal process. It's as if my mind and my body is switched to auto mode when it comes to filling out apps. I don't even remember I applied until I get an email.

On a different note, I have two mid sems, two major assignments, two interviews, one cocktail function, one birthday party, one merdeka eve celebration and one fiesta malaysia all due in the next week beginning this Friday. Excuse me while I go knock my head on the wall.

2008-08-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

I'm actually feeling more baffled than anything else.

What he did certainly isn't beyond forgiveness nor is it beyond my scope of understanding the reasons for fabricating those lies.

I'm not confused, angered or even disappointed with what he did. I can even relate to a certain extent. And even if you can't relate, you have to agree that the prophecies in the bible are indeed coming true (Matthew 24-25). And if you are not a Christian, well leave religion out of this but still think about the following question:

how (not even why) can someone successfully lie to his wife, parents and friends about having terminal cancer for two whole years?

someone enlighten me.

2008-08-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I haven't blogged in a long time, for my standards anyway. I guess it gets like this as you get older. You just have more things to do, less things to say. Well come to think of it, maybe it isn't the lack of things to say. More like, we could have the same amount of thoughts and opinions but less guts to voice them out.

Yep, those rebel days are no longer here. No longer can any of us actually shout out "I curse the day you were born!" to someone whom we immensely dislike, without having others judge us. Right, J?

We are daredevils no longer . It's some sort of scientific relationship: the older you get, the more nervous you get when it comes to riding rollercoasters and bungee jumping.

Oh gee, and we thought adults should be less paranoid than kids. Well, you can't necessarily blame us. We've seen a lot more of death and heard of a lot more freak accidents. Naturally, we can't tell kids about the gory stuff we hear day in day out. Therefore they maintain their ignorance towards the risks we are duly aware of. This world is unfair.

So what's been up with me? Oh nothing, just lazily filing out applications upon applications, scrambling to find misplaced pieces of paper before the deadline looms. It's just paper, but yet it holds so much worth. And no, i'm not talking about money.

What else? Well, I stuttered through a 10 minute presentation today... but immediately after that jumped on the band wagon to enter JP Morgan's 'The Deal' Competition, which may I add... also involves presenting if we are actually chosen!!!

Team mates Jess and Jane told me to chill out, act as if I were in conversation with my friends. Somehow, it's too hard to envision the audience as your 'friends', when they are ALL dressed in black pin- striped suits, are dominantly anglo-saxon males with years of experience on their hands and look waaaaaaaaaaayyy too serious for your liking. Intimidatttinngggg...

Ah well, ranting sesh over. ai peng out.

"There's a famine going on out there!!!"

2008-08-05T00:09:00.000-07:00

I was brought up in an upper-middle class environment and have admittedly led a very comfortable life. For this reason I rarely criticise the very rich for being rich. They worked hard for their money (or for some, their parents worked hard for their money), hence they deserve to keep their money. Even if you don't agree with that statement, you have to agree that not all rich people are to blame for the fortunes of the poor.

There are few exceptions to this rule I have made for myself. First there are the dishonest by which I mean their fortunes are tainted with blood and corruption. Second, there are those who find it in their very nature to oppress the poor simply because they can. With these two classes of people, there are occasions where I criticise their evil and greedy characteristics on a general level. But mostly, I ignore it and accept that it is a way of life. There is no point in crying foul when there is nothing you can do about it.

There is however, a third type of of which I am going to talk, rant and criticise right here, right now. They are the extremely ignorant.

They splurge on LV bags, Manolo Blahniks, little yellow Beetles and $30000 worth of vodka, whiskey or whatever it is they have in clubs. They are the ones you hear in the Gucci store, throwing a tantrum because the bag they covet is out of stock. I can tolerate their behaviour on those occasions. They have the money, they can do whatever they want.

What I simply cannot accept is when they walk into a restaurant, them with their LV bags and manolo blahniks, order an AUD $10 meal (RM 30) and leave it untouched!

Eh, hellO?? People are starving out there can?? You anorexic little bitch. Yes you. The one who refused to even bite into her bok choy and tofu and rice. WhY? Cause the green leaves on the bok choy didn't look green enough? Or the tofu you ordered wasn't the delicious silky white tofu you've always had at home? Or maybe somewhere in the middle of the meal, you realised you would gain 15 calories just by having a spoon of rice.

If you wanted to starve yourself until you looked like Corpse Bride, be my guest. Just don't waste 10 bucks pretending you want to eat, when 10 bucks can feed 5 dying kids for a month.

2008-08-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

The Power of Persuasion: Tell a lie, tell more lies then hope every lie you told turns into the truth. Try it, it's refreshing.

Disclaimer: Manufacturer not to be held legally responsible for any side effects.

Leaving It All to Chance

2008-07-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I casually mentioned that next year would be the fifth year since we left high school. This calls for a huge celebration to mark the occasion, I had suggested. What a naïve thing to say, I realised today. Do you really think any of us will actually be here?

Today, the three of us chattered away and cracked jokes in Jarrod & Rawlins. Occupying what otherwise might have been an empty silence. The kind that’s haunted by questions like ‘what if we never have the chance to meet like this again?’

Someone finally mentions it, and I nodded my head in agreement. Outside, I feigned an act of sad surprise. Inside, I could not pinpoint the exact feeling. Maybe I’d already accepted it a long time ago. Or maybe I hadn’t had time to digest the magnitude of the coming separation.

My phone rings and it’s V on the line. Come join us in our goodbyes, I beckoned over the phone. She replied, ‘Peng, you know how I feel about goodbyes’. I knew and I also knew this was not your ordinary goodbye. And there it was again. That unspoken dread of never knowing what the future holds.

When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother what would I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me,
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera.

Now I’m a girl of 21
I ask myself, what does the future hold for me?
Will I be happy? Will I be lonely?
Here’s what I say to me
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera.

2008-07-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

What if this life I have built for myself has been a result of a series of reactions rather than creation?

High school brought the fear of rejection, the antidote was to make as many friends as possible.

College I found the love of my life, and this was the time I stopped looking and making friends. Rather I treasured the ones I already had. What more could you possibly want other than love and companionship? Now I see things differently. My friends have more friends, and I want that too.

In uni, it was all about getting into JP Morgan, Macquarie, UBS... it still is all about getting that internship, that job, that salary, that car... which has propelled me to do all types of shit like take Management Prac and spend my days and nights in the library although I know deep down it's not like i'll ever get that job even with improved grades.

I hear from friends about their backpacking adventures as they travel the seven seas. Deep down, I wanted my own stories to tell. So yes, the next thing I do is to beg the parents for consent to backpack around Europe (on their tab of course).

so yes, my life has been built on a series of reactions.

I have this fear that if I don't learn to start creating my own chances and stop reacting deeply to the feelings people can invoke in me, I will never learn this lesson.

2008-07-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not one for emotional articles of late. Unless it's related to something serious and close to my heart, I usually refrain from making sappy comments. After all, if I know it and the guy i'm dating knows it then the world doesn't need to know.

So, this may sound a little cocky but here's a tribute to me and my guy, celebrating 3 years of blissful together-ness (couldn't be bothered to rack my brains for a nicer word). Haha, dear... you know there are a million things I still need to thank you for. Thanks for putting up with my incessant need to work late nights during the semester, abandoning you almost everyday for the library (but then again, it's hardly my fault you're too smart to even need a library).

And don't you dare ask me to take down this post. Aiya, no need shy-la. only janelle and vidy reading most of the time what. =D.

*Disclaimer: This post is not meant to invoke feelings of love lost or loneliness in readers. On the contrary, if I a normal, ordinary girl is able to find love in another simple, ordinary guy... there is no reason why anybody can't.

2008-07-05T22:27:00.000-07:00

Ever since I stepped on Malaysian soil.... you would think that I'd have taken this opportunity to gorge on Malaysian food. But it seems a lot of people have chosen the healthier lifestyle. When I ask them what tickles their fancy, they no longer opt for oily, fried greasy food. Here's what I have been stuffing myself with.

Thursday afternoon: Sushi and Katsudon at Sushi ZanMai
Friday afternoon: Philadelphia and Hokano specialty rolls at Hokano
Friday night: Sashimi, Sukiyaki and Nabeyaki Udon at Rakuzen
Monday afternoon: Sushi at Sushi Zen
Monday night: Sushi at that place where Su Mei always goes to in Hartamas.

OH MY GOD. I've literally sushi-fied myself silly I can feel myself rolling into a ball of seaweed and japanese rice.

2008-07-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

Do you want to know a secret? The secret is that we were divided from the very beginning.
It just took us 50 years of independence to finally figure that out.

My wedding march song is going to be 'always be my baby' by David Cook. I chup first k.

2008-06-26T23:56:00.001-07:00

Every once in a while, i'll get a message which propels me to think: ' is this the end of the road of this chapter in life? Is it my time to move on and stop lingering on things that could have been, chances I could have taken that no longer exist.'

It hurts to say the least that I wanted to be there, but I couldn't. Or maybe, wouldn't. Sometimes it doesn't take a genius to figure out that everything that used to be right does not exist anymore. And what's worse, there is no one to blame.

2008-06-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

Nothing else could warrant a blog post more than stress. I am stressed to the point where I can't be bothered. I have spent almost two weeks studying for one subject and failed to acknowledge the other two I have to cram in one week. Okay, so what if I obtain a High Distinction for the subject I spent the most time on if it's going to result in me sitting for an extra paper next semester. ZZZZZ...

silly girl me. I won't let that happen. I won't i won't i won't i won't.

2008-06-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

I went for a hair cut today. Cause my fingers were super itchy, and also with all the maths I have been doing this semester, my long hair had to suffer from me clutching it too tightly all the time.

I didn't like my fringe either. So I tried explaining to the woman how I would like a hair cut that would suit my face which follows a 'no fringe' criteria. Round face like mine...what to do... Needless to say, she didn't understand me and brought a style magazine for me to illustrate how I wanted my fringe done. I pointed one out and she nodded.

So far so good, she did a long layered bob which suited the 'no fringe' rule perfectly. I was about to leave when she told me to wait and brought out a curling brush. I shrugged. Maybe she wanted to curl my fringe like in the mag. To my amusement, she started curling my whole head!

Anyone who knew me in trinity and high school, knows that I DON'T GO WELL WITH CURLY HAIR. I could already see how fugly it would turn out, yet she curled with such vigour, I had no heart to tell her that it was fugly. Fine, it wasn't fugly. It was just fugly on me. I sat there patiently, knowing that I could always go home and wash the curls away.

Anyways, I paid and left... while my boyfriend stared at my hair with a super wtf expression. All the time I was wondering whyyyy she had to curl my hair when I didn't instruct her to.
Then I realised that the picture I pointed out to her was of a girl with curly hair!!! =.='

The Magic Faraway Tree

2008-06-06T06:37:00.001-07:00

I once wrote about 'my happy place'. I once said, it would be somewhere quaint. Like on a backyard swing or in a cafe sipping a warm latte. Somewhere along those lines, I finally remembered that my childhood 'happy place' occurred in my air-conditioned room, curled up in a corner reading Enid Blyton books.

My happy place was where Enid Blyton brought me to. The halls and common rooms of Malory Towers, the antics of Alicia and Betty, the land of 'eat-all-you-can' and clanging saucepan man, and exploring Mt. Kilimanjaro. I wondered what it would be like to meet a real life golliwog and thought that it would have been real cool to have tea in a flying cottage. I anticipated, along with other readers, the day that Mr. Meddle would finally get something done right.

Unfortunately, my mother gave away all my Blyton books to my nieces and nephews, who worship Lizzie McGuire, That's So Raven and DOTA above anything else. Any hope of reclaiming those books gone with the wind.

It's sad to think that the innocence of those stories remain preserved for eternity... but what of its potential readers? God forbid my 12 year old niece stumble upon Gossip Girl.

This July I will go on a mission to scout for certain Enid Blyton series, buy them back and keep them for sentimental reasons. Among those that I will truly treasure are listed below:

1. Malory Towers
2. The Magic Faraway Tree
3. The Secret Seven
4. The Secret Island series
5. St. Clare
6. The Famous Five (apparently there are 26 of these)
7. The Naughtiest Girl
8. Amelia Jane

So, if you have any nephews/nieces who find no use for Enid Blyton books.... tell them I would be willing to give them extra pocket money for their books!!

Just So I Remember (2)

2008-06-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I've been able to breathe, in a long time.
The past few weeks saw me scurrying from one point to another, laptop in one hand and coffee in the other. Nothing else but the thought of 'direct flights' flying through my head. There literally was no time to ponder about anything else.

Now that the last word has been written, the charts, appendices, research material all collated neatly and I'm once again left with the feeling of emptiness... a thought strikes me; was all that running around worth it?

It was a different experience, it was real. Gone are the days of cutting and pasting charts and graphs on a research report just because it looked nice. In the real world, no one cares if your report is long, short or filled with bombastic words. They like it upfront, straight to the point with no chips or salad dressing on the side.

There was one incident where we had to give our boss a presentation on our progress. Totally unprepared, we were lost for words when he asked us "So, what do you all think about these charts. What do these numbers and charts say? I don't want to hear a collective reasoning of other people's thoughts on these charts. I want to know what you think."

It didn't help that our University assessors were also sitting in on the meeting. As a team, we were able to recover quite quickly and our assessors actually mentioned that they were quite proud of us that we made it out of there alive. *bangga*

My team member mentioned in passing a a month ago, "i think we struck gold". I raised my eyebrow and waited for her explanation. She replied, "Well, we've got a great BCG senior consultant as our boss, and face it, our team's great..."

I believed the first part...
But at that point, our team had not written down a single word for the 20000 word report, our thoughts were scattered and we had NO idea how to deal with the other half of the research questions posed. I didn't bother saying anything further, for obvious reasons.

We promised ourselves to write 1000 words per week and even then, we thought that there was no effing way we were going to reach 20000 words of meaningful shit.

Last week, everything was still haphazard. I was still running ard trying to get things in sync. it did not help that i had a psycho team mate who rang me every other 15 minutes on Saturday. Turns out, she was the most helpful ( and she helped deal with half of the other half of the research questions, lol). But then again, couldn't have done it without all of them.

The result is this: Sunday night, a meaningful 120 page report, some sense of peace. And the feeling that no matter what results I get, that was one of the best experiences I've had in my life. BUTTT, I STILL WANT MY HIGH DISTINCTION OK!

Just So I Remember

2008-05-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

"You know, the romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain is really healing, and beautiful and sort of...poetic...it's not. It's just garbage and just pain.... You know what's better? Love. The day you start thinking love is overrated, is the day that you're wrong." - Haley James Scott.

Her statement may have been laced with corniness, her voice may have been filled with too much hope, but it's refreshing for once to hear a truth that hasn't been spoken ever since the advent of Grey's Anatomy. Good on you, OTH.

Hallelujah

2008-04-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Even now I still find it amazing how God can respond in a split-second. This is bad, I shouldn't still find it amazing, I should have been expectant but not amazed. Not after the year I've been through, not after everything that I have learnt.

God did really respond when I questioned him about my bad weekend. And soon enough, I realised I should have read my bible earlier instead of having a serious confrontation with my thoughts all Saturday.

It all started on Friday. I had a bad Friday. I pulled the plug on someone else's essay (like literally) and was subsequently kicked out of the computer lab. I did not leave gracefully I must say. I swore in front of my group mates and 30 odd strangers, blushing furiously. My teammates were darlings though. They managed to assuage and pacify me by cracking jokes and kept on saying it was no direct fault of mine. To make matters worse, our model didn't exactly turn out the way we wanted it too.

On Saturday my bad luck continued. I was locked out of my apartment at 12.30 p.m. and my housemate said she would not be back until 2.30. At this point I remembered thinking to myself, 'Oh my God, I should have sooo gone to church camp. This is what I've been left with. It's cause of my rebellious behaviour that i've been struck with a series of misfortunes'.

After I collected the keys from my housemate I spent the whole Saturday sulking instead of working on my assignments or reports. I kept on thinking it was really God's way of punishing me for not going to camp and for not feeling the least bit guilty for not going to camp. Really. If you've had the weekend I had, wouldn't you think some supernatural forces were working against you too?

I just read my bible (Sunday night/Monday morning) and like I said, I really should have read it earlier. The answer was obviously staring back at me the moment I flipped open the bible and read the first verse that I saw.

John 9:2-3.
"Why is this man blind?" The disciples asked Jesus. "Was it because of his sins or his parents sins?"

"It was not his sins or his parents sins. He was born blind so that the power of God could be seen in him," Jesus answered.

And beneath that, a sub story, a little lesson to be told:

A common belief held in Jewish culture was that calamity or suffering was the result of some great sin. But Christ used this man's suffering to teach about faith and to glorify God. We live in a sinful world where good behaviour is not always rewarded and bad behaviour is not always punished. Therefore, innocent people sometimes suffer. Regardless of our reasons for our suffering, Jesus has the power to help us deal with it. When you suffer from a tragedy, try not to ask, "why did this happen to me?". Instead, ask God to give you strength through the trial and offer you a deeper perception on what is happening.

There it was, right smack in front of me. that was seriously the most freaky thing i've ever encountered. but u know what, it was so fun I want to do it again.

2008-04-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

I am this close to completing my formal studies for Derivatives mid sem, commencing in approximately 9 and a half hours. But I thought it would be more fun to distract myself by typing a few words here. And also, to provide a relieve from staring at butterfly and box spreads, and the letters 'K', 'St' and 'f'.

This semester has been nothing short of a whirlwind of work and more work. There are a couple of books I browsed through today in the Uni bookshop. Their front covers displayed mystical protagonists, enticing me to reach out for the nearest one and then the next...Till I realised I had a mid sem looming and scurried back to the library next door. I guess I would have to wait until July to rediscover the mysteries of carpet weaving in Iran.

Sometime this week while hurrying along the cobbled pathways in Uni, I stopped in my tracks to realise it was already the end of April. Where did my 2.5 months go?

2008-04-19T09:56:00.001-07:00

Here I am once again at a cross road; thoughts running through my head like crazy. A friend once quipped, " you and I both think too much." Hence the need to write and capture it all in a few sentences before I forget.

Over the past week, it has become increasingly hard to stare at the gaunt, thin face reflecting back at me. The weighing machine seems to be indicating that I needn't watch my diet as much. I like it and I hate it.

Likes; isn't this what I would have deemed ideal two years ago. To be of the right size without even trying? And so, for a moment I would stare at myself and give me a satisfactory nod.

Hate; my face represents everything I am now. A workaholic whose temporary highs come from solving difficult equations, completing assignments two three days before hand and working on the report every Tuesdays, Thursdays and now, Sundays. It would seem, I have lost all notion of 'something really fun to look forward to'.

What a vast difference from Trinity and high school days. Overweight but happy. Average grades but still happy. Throw me a coupla good friends and I could be happy. I could be without trying. I miss that girl.

It's goodbye forever

2008-02-02T04:37:00.000-08:00

What little inspiration I had to journal my thoughts a moment or two ago has completely disappeared. The moment this page appears on screen, my thoughts scatter and take flight. This won't do, I say to myself. I want to know what I am thinking right now, in ten years time.
In 10 years time, maybe if I search hard enough I'll come across some life-changing words of wisdom on this very space. Maybe.

Blogging has always remained a past time. A place to vent. Basically, I shifted from diaries to the diaryproject then on to blogs. Now that I'm past the stage where I need to rant and vent, it's goodbye blogging forever. No one needs to know irrelevant stuff like what I do, what I think and how I feel.

To officially close this blog and all the blogs that I have started before, a few simple words of wisdom for my 31 year old self: Be happy.

2008-01-29T09:54:00.001-08:00

Monday Night

Yii May: So, have you started looking for jobs yet... getting ready your CV and cover letters? People say it's better to do it now and have a year head start...

Me: HUH??? So fast wanna plan my apps for jobs?? *Screech* We're only 21. Planning to enjoy my last year in uni la.

Su Mei: Eh ya, but apparently application deadlines for the major banks are approaching soon right? My colleague was busy filling out his forms today...

Me: *panic*... shit! why uni melb students so kiasu one!

Celine: Don't worry la... you do it at your own pace right. I mean, you don't have to be like everyone else...

Me: yeah mann...

Tuesday

Awake in the wee hours of the morning, frantically clicking links to every graduate program imaginable.

Thing is, after years of aiming to be a non-conformist I find myself living the conventional way.

2008-01-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

'It's not fair' has always seemed like such a childish way of retaliating . When I was 18, I could probably still pull that old trick out of the bag and get away with it. Turning 21 can only mean that a person has lost all rights to use that phrase. It isn't fair, considering 21 is synonym to liberation as opposed to the loss of certain rights, right?

On an unrelated event, I feel annoyed right now. I'm pissed and the worst part is when you KNOW why you're pissed but have no one to talk to about it. No one but God to vent your anger to. I hate this emotion, it twists my mind... it turns me against myself and everything I stand for. It isn't fair to be shouting at God when this happens. It's not his fault I was in this position.

I love you but I hate the things you do sometimes. I really do.

MATI! I just watched cloverfield!!!! goodbyee sweet dreams!

2008-01-18T05:13:00.000-08:00

---see post below-

Stop This Train, I wanna get off and go home again

2008-01-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been having dreams which involve explosions (I dreamt that Menara CIMB was bombed by terrorists), the coming of end and high speed thriller chases involving snatch thieves and perverts.

Fortunately, it's just a case of an over-active imagination rather than a case of prophecies-come-true. However much I despised my short stint at CIMB, I wouldn't wish that upon them. Maybe just my ex-boss...

My dreams tend to be over the top as usual... with lots of exaggerated actions. I swear at one point in time, I clearly remember slow motion effects - like those you see on the Matrix where a bullet is shot, the guy bends backwards and everything comes to a halt.

So I thought all these unrealistic dreams were a product of watching too many action movies and of course... extreme paranoia. But I also realised it was my own take in real life that has contributed to such absurdity.

When telling stories, I exaggerate. I try not to... I try to tell like I heard it. But it's hard especially when something happened 5 years ago... you can't remember the exact details. So I choose to make up stories to fill in the gaps. People, do NOT believe everything I tell you. It's a warning... especially stupid jokes. Other things, I may be telling the truth. One thing though, this sounds stupid... but I never lie. LOL. Think about it, lying is 'twisting the truth'. I'm not twisting the truth, I fill in the missing blanks. ahhhh.

Another characteristic apparent in me - I get over the top emotional when other people invoke emotions in me. I could very well be sitting happily on the fence yet when a person influences me, I go all 'yeah yeah yeah... *toot* yeah yeah yeah'. But after the conversation, I'll be like... 'eh? that conversation didn't really make sense! why on earth was I so worked up?'

This says only one thing. I really gotta start guarding my heart and emotions. Don't want to end up saying silly things I just KNOW I will regret one day. Then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to sleep soundly again.

Strangely enough, I woke up from my dream about Menara CIMB getting bombed but somehow wished I could resume sleep just to see how things worked out for them in the end. Somethings may never change after all.

2008-01-15T07:57:00.000-08:00

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the daffodils.
-william wordsworth-

For everytime I lay restless on my couch just doing my so-called 'reflecting', I wonder if it were really that simple in those days to simply think of daffodils and be delighted. And if you've thought about it, if it were so easy to to entertain us then it must be the case that the simplest things displeased us.. Like the fact the author may have stumbled upon a black crow and lived to write about its ominous properties.

2008-01-13T07:57:00.000-08:00

Time and again I feel like shutting down this blog, then I think about the times where I just need some space to unleash my thoughts and fury for the moment.

Writing, ain't the same thing as blogging. Since my writing doesn't come up as neat as I would like it to be on paper, I don't miss the scratching sound of pen on paper. You know how passionate writers claim that it just isn't the same... writing and typing... the feel is different... I agree with them but share different sentiments. The urge to put words on paper just ain't there for me anymore.

So what is the deal with me and Malaysia? The moment I step onto Malaysian soil, my thoughts are wrecked with cynicism. A newspaper is placed in front of me with pictures of Sharlinie all over and the only thing I could think of saying was : It's a lost cause. Rm 17000 ain't enough to get her back. Best case scenario.... wait... there is NO best case scenario...unless you consider death by murder to be an option.

SEE what I mean....

It's like i've already accepted my country to be this way that I've lost all sense of optimism.

That's no way to be around people. Especially you're own children.

Imagine your own children asking you: Mom, is there such a thing as happy endings?

Me: You just take whatever life deals you with and BE happy with it. That's your happy ending.

The thing is, there are a thousand and one ways to change this country. But honestly, where do we start? And even if we're not happy with the current government, who better to rule the country?

2008-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

Sacrifices. every single day.

can't go out late no more without looking behind my shoulders.

can't stop at a traffic light in broad daylight without being cautious of motorcyclists or even passersby crossing the street.

no time for myself. when i'm back in malaysia, it's everything else but myself. family, boyfriend, friends. no self-pampering. seldom a moment to gym, pluck eyebrows or do my hair. can't even blowdry my hair properly before I go out.
it's even difficult to steal a nap in between lunch and dinner.

shopping a-plenty. but always to my detriment. I just cannot stop myself when friends ajak. I tell myself I cannot buy this or that but it never works out that way. The worst thing is, the things I badly want I cannot find. The things I don't need turn out too beautiful to resist. garhh.

have.to.stop.spending.so.much.money.

I've been refraining from a lot of things. Namely clubbing, drinking and smoking. And friends understand. So what's the big sacrifice? The feeling of being left out. It's something that cannot be avoided. If you choose not to hang out, that's what you get.

My lungs. Everywhere I go, people smoke like chimneys. It has come to a point where it doesn't matter if I smoked ciggies myself or inhale second hand smoke. If the mention of lung cancer doesn't scare you, I dare you to ask me for a picture of blackened lungs with punctures in them. Go on, I double dare you.

If even that won't scare you, think about first degree manslaughter.

I hate malaysian drivers too by the way.

Current mood: annoyed.

2008-01-08T20:25:00.000-08:00

Pain is never comparable but it is relative.

2008-01-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

Hosea 5:4-7

Your deeds won't let you return to your God [.....], then at last they will come with their flocks and herds to offer sacrifices to the Lord. But it will be too late. They will not find him, because he has withdrawn from them, and they are now alone.

This message is real for both Christians and non-Christians alike. *Sin* begins with such simplicity you can't even spot it with the naked eye. It slowly progresses dragging you deeper in the process until it is too late.

Internship stint 101: explained

2007-12-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

"Between you and me coach, I hate the food here, I hate the people here and I hate the school I go to here. I'm here just to get the accolades so I can play NFL seeing as I can get things done for your team... but you, coach, you're just scraping by. Like it or not, we're in an arranged marriage." - Ray "Voodoo" Tatum, Friday Night Lights.

That's what my internship meant: an arranged marriage.

Go in for a couple of months, get my accolades for my resume and get out having graduated with a Bachelor of Photocopying (Honours).

For my employers they have nothing to worry about. For the amount they pay me, they can get me to do just about anything.

SO, what turns an arranged marriage awry?

Is it the lack of love? : Face it, no student would like to waste their summer holidays sitting on a hard chair at a hard desk for 12 hours. And well, employers are just there to physically use you.

Is it the lack of understanding?: There will certainly be some difficulties getting over this one because of the age gap.

Or... could it be the refusal to try to make the marriage work?: Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn... it's MY way or NO one's way.

Let me tell you this, there is no way an arranged marriage can fall apart because of those things. Not that easily anyway (I gave mine four days!). You know why? Because both parties have already anticipated the lack of love, lack of understanding AND have accepted that it would be hard to get along with stubborn spouses in the first few days.

What is unanticipated is the the lack of respect, the hurling of insults and basically the lost of self-esteem.

Me: Excuse me, I don't really know how to draw boxes using excel.

Boss 1: What?? *Looks at me incredulously* Your uni never teach you one arr??? What do you learn in Uni then???? What do they teach you? *tsk tsk tsk* Starts laughing at me together with boss 2.

BOLLOCKS. No one pays AUD $24000 a year to learn how to draw boxes using excel in uni.

Me: I can't seem to find the email you need.

Boss 2: Look some more. It has to be in there. Don't just scan through okay... LOOK properly.

Me: Okay.

*finished looking thoroughly* - nothing in there.

Me: There's nothing in here regarding the number of people who rsvp-ed for your event.
But, there are indications on how many did show up. It's scattered all over. There are some rough numbers here and there which might help.

Boss 2: No no no no no! Can you not see properly??? DOES this look as if it's an RSVP list?? (definitely in an 'are you stupid or what?' and 'it's definitely all your fault' kinda tone)

Me: *helpless* okay, so what do you want me to do?

Boss 2: HAIH, find it. Just email Janet and ask her where she placed the RSVP list. But before you send the email out, make sure to email the same copy to me and grace first (in case i make a blunder and calls her a bitch in the email).

Me: *who on earth is janet?*

These are just snippets of what spending 48 hours in CIMB Private Banking Marketing Sector can do to you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In conclusion, I have no happy pictures of my colleagues and I to post up on the net. Only words to tell you a story. I am not lying. I rarely lie.

Today, Su mei called me telling me she landed my old job. On cue, we started laughing. She might take it, God knows some people have higher tolerance level than I do. And good news is, Boss 2 has resigned. Nice guy has resigned since then too. So it's between Boss 1 and her for now if she does take it that is.

I feel satisfied... well... not really... but more comforted and vindicated having written this post. It has made a mark in my life and maybe one day, when i've made it big as a connoisseur of photocopying... I'll take my billions back to CIMB Private Banking, and have them invest it for me.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2007-12-20T09:26:00.001-08:00

From L to R: Bro, Luc, Kian Lee, Baby Ryan, Sis, Mom and Dad.

The Adventures of the Ulu Three

2007-12-16T08:09:00.000-08:00

" I know I'm spoilt. What to do... it's my upbringing," was my short messaging text response to the other two Ulus after I told them I resigned.

Ok, maybe I went a little too far on that. But it is true, wanna bet?

Penny recommended to us this Balinese restaurant set in the midst of Kampung Penchala. For those who have not the slightest idea where Kampung Penchala is, it's just under the Penchala Link okay?

Her directions were as such: Go straight right after the Taman Tun traffic lights and just follow the signs. Just continue on straight and you'll see this huge bungalow on your left when you see random houses popping out on the left and right.

Fine, it was simple enough. Go straight and follow the signs right? So this is how it went:

me: eh, are you sure we going the right way? it looks kinda scary weih. (Jungle here, there, everywhere)

lee yee: penny said it's fine... she said just follow the road until you reach the end. cannot miss it one. eh, can drive slower or not? I can't even see the signs.

me/sumei: there are no signs!

me: okay. eh, damn scary, how if I hit motorbike or random people?

lee yee: my mother told me not to stop. just continue driving ok.

me: ok, but i'm still scared.

su mei/lee yee: haih, you won't hit anyone one la!

me: that's easy to say, you're not driving!

lee yee: *peers out the window at kampung houses* I kinda think this is cool! Imagine living in the midst of a jungle.

su mei: ya ya.

lee yee: look at that house, quite nice right, to have the jungle as your backdrop!

I look out the window. Lee yee was referring to this dilapidated house right in the midst of shrubbery. Huh... okay.

me: eh dead end, i think we took the wrong turning.

su mei: *points at some dodgy ramps* maybe you're supposed to go up there.

me: what?? no way...call penny!!!

We ended up turning back and heading off into the other direction (it was left, not right). After dodging a few kampung kids running wild we finally managed to find this really beautiful restaurant in the midst of Kampung Penchala.

Before hopping out of the car, Lee Yee said: OMG, we're like some bratty Manhattan kids attempting to be ghetto in like Brooklyn or something.

>.<

2007-12-11T06:00:00.000-08:00

the truth was I cried after only my second day at work. And it was not to say the people weren't nice. But the difference is that they are adults, and I'm not.
And that makes a whole ludda difference.

I cannot complain to them that the work they give me to do is mundane or meaningless. Because for these people, their lives are centred around what they do. They placed me in the marketing department for Private Banking. Seriously, marketing????

I appreciate what they do, I really do. Without the marketing team, **** Private Banking would have no semi annual newsletter, no marketing brochures and kits, no one to send out invitations to High Net Worth Clients for the latest musical in town. If you can't already tell....
that was sarcasm.

Everything they do seems to matter down to the last minute detail. Honestly, no one cares if the paper colour is Munken, Satin White or Beckett!!!! They're all WHITE! No client is going to read the newsletter, touch and feel the paper and go 'Oooo... that's nice and soft. I'm soooo going to **** company to hire them for their services.'
Apparently, the paper has to be light and white, but not too white nor too yellow or else the blue headings wouldn't stand out. ARGH.

On the other hand, I got cut short from doing the best thing I had to do today. This management trainee got me to research up on equity, private equity as well as fixed income and write out a short report for him. Now ThaT, I didn't mind doing, cause at least it wasn't brainless and it was something related to my field of work. Half way through, they got me to attend meetings and I ended up in the photocopy room... printing hundreds of pamphlets, power point presentations and what nots.

All you KPMG, EY, PWC and Deloitte people! Appreciate what you have cause you sure ain't gonna get the same sort of treatment from ****.

Ah well... yet I still live to tell my story another day. I'm reallllly poofed. Nights.

I'm lovin' it...

2007-12-06T06:13:00.000-08:00

... here so far. It's been two very enjoyable weeks of meeting up with close friends and spending quality time with my family.

Today for example, my elder sister, brother and I had lunch at Bakerzins for some rare form of family bonding. Partly because they both are usually working and I'm usually in Melbourne, this doesn't happen very often. Then, because we were already in the family Christmasy mood, we proceeded to the Christmas deco department and bought ourselves a tree and ornaments to go along with it. It was short lived fun but it was still fun. We came home to assemble the tree and voila, we had ourselves a really modest but quaint-looking Christmas tree.

I'll be heading out with Su Mei later for a cuppa coffee. Wanted to call Miss Lim out but she's still asleep,having been deprived of 24 hours of sleep travelling back from Turkayy...

I start work on Monday. And i'm quite excited about shopping for new office clothes. CIMB here I come! I'll be working in the Private Banking sector. And because it's at Menara Millenium... which isn't at Menara CIMB, I initially thought... woo kayy.. they placed me under consumer banking (which is totally not good btw). Then I found out private banking was under investment banking AND the main purpose of private banking is to manage the wealth of HNW clients... i.e. clients with net wealth in excess of millions of dollars. Needless to say, I am a very happy person. I get to learn the tricks of the trade and pass it on to my mom (whom might I add is more excited than me about it). But that's to say, I actually LEARN something. Everyone knows interns are just an extra pair of arms for the company's secretaries and office boys.

Christmas is coming soon. And I can already see where my pay is slipping away to. I still owe presents to some friends. And I feel extremely guilty. GULP. Bye bye RM 2K.

Update on the baby: He's learning how to coo. And he smiles a lot. Which is apparently very rare for a 2 month old. Oh well. Maybe he'll grow up to be the next Einstein. Who knows.

Our lives are made of these small wonders...

2007-12-02T03:38:00.000-08:00

I can sit on the hard couch for hours and hours on end staring as he kicks about in his little socks and punches the air with his tiny fists. This one's growing up to be a fighter. Some babies smile with their lips, this baby smiles with his eyes. This baby has put on 3 kilos in 6 weeks and wears 6 months instead of 6 weeks old baby clothes. He pouts when you touch the curly tuft of hair on his head and coos and boos when people distract him during feeding time.

My mom goes crazy around him. Actually, everyone does. My mom has a new found talent - rapping. She raps to the baby. No kidding. She's also capable of coming up with lullaby tunes I've never heard in my entire life before. I'm just surprised she's never heard of the rap song 'baby got back'. I LIKE BIG BUTTS... oops..

People are different around the baby. Even the dog. The dog's normally jealous cause all the attention is taken away from her. But when we bring the baby near her, Jazzy just lights up and her tail starts wagging furiously.

My brother and his friend did a jig around the baby. He just started to 'feng tau'. I think the baby likes music. My dad and I are the two people who are excited about that fact. Someone has already bought Ryan a play keyboard. If he were mine, I wouldn't send him to Chinese school like his parents are going to. I would send him to music school for prodigies. But he isn't mine. Ah well. My poor kids.

See, things aren't that bad around here. Everyone's happy. Tired... but happy. And it's hard, especially for some of us. Life didn't turn out to be the bed of roses I had imagined it to be yet it still holds the promise of God and His miracles..

2007-11-28T00:35:00.000-08:00

I'm home again and I'm so happy to be back.
Amidst complaints about how dangerous it is, how sucky the weather is and how it has clogged up my respiratory system... I'm just contented to be home not doing anything at all.

Things have changed like they always do. Friends are different because places have changed them. Family is different because circumstances have changed them. But you know, what doesn't pull us down will only make us stronger.

I've had it with accepting misery as company. Yes, we're allowed to be sad and angry at circumstances but that doesn't change the fact that we can do something about it. Life is for living and not wallowing. I will not succumb to another moment of anger and misery.

I will not.

2007-11-19T20:14:00.000-08:00

Ever felt your body just emulates the songs you listen to?
'Paralyzer' was on constant replay for the past 2 days. And guess what happens to me???
My butt hurts! as in literally... butt cracking kinda pain. I have to whimper everytime I try to get up from a sleeping or sitting position. It's really just my tailbone that's causing this much pain. So i had to take pain killers to numb the pain while praying fervently the pain would disappear by morning.

Ironically, those pain killers were from the last time I visited the doctor and he told me to take it for my shoulders and neck pain. I never got to use it cause he told me it would cause drowsiness and at that time I didn't really want it to affect my study habits.

So this says something about me. Either I have reaaaaaaally bad sleeping positions.... or I'M OLD! NOOO!

2007-11-16T22:55:00.000-08:00

With exams over and out of the way, I still find no reason to be partying hard. It's been six semesters in Melbourne so far, if you haven't gotten the idea yet: there is no liberation... yet. There's just two more sems to accomplish before I finish uni... but even then.. it's just submitting myself under someone else's rules. It'll be like that for the rest of my life i'm afraid.

So, things i've learnt this year.

That that there are 100 million things more important than your exams. There exists in this world, cheating bstds. Success is not measured in dollars. Family will do everything to keep the truth from reaching you. Their sad voices will eventually give them away. God always has a plan. Anger, pain and sadness are good. Keeping it in is not. Christians aren't necessarily fake nor always annoyingly happy. Business students are all about resumes. But seriously, it's not about what you did, it's about who u know. Life can never be perfect at any given moment cause knowing that it could be taken away from you, destroys the moment. Depressed people pass on the disease. Urghh.

you must not object!!!!

2007-11-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

Check this out:http://yahyasyap.blogspot.com/2007/11/freedom-from-tyrants-both-foreign-and.html

Very interesting facts about the results of the 2004 elections. It doesn't take much math.
The gist of it is this: The ruling political party only achieved less than 35% of votes but in effect, they claimed just under half of the parliamentary seats (that's 50%). While the opposition (Alternative Line) won 35% of the votes yet between them, they only control 9% of parliamentary seats.

The recent turn of events spurred me once again to be somewhat curious about my own country's political issues. It is true that I do not have the passion and love for my country as much as some other people but I do respect, admire and above all that, understand their need to stand up for certain rights.

It is a right that they have. A right that democracy entails. I guess I felt encouraged that not all hope is lost. To know that there are innumerable others out there sharing the same sentiments as I do and actually acting upon it is pretty encouraging. I watched this video on the BERSIH peaceful march... I will not call it a protest or a demonstration as it is NEITHER (the malaysian media obviously twisted the meaning of this peaceful march to give it a foreboding effect... as if the days of reformasi were reemerging). Anyway, this video was a production of Malaysia Kini. They interviewed this Chinese guy... i'm guessing he belongs in the middle class range of citizens.

Malaysia Kini: So, what made you join in this march to the Royal Palace?

Chinese Guy: It's about wanting free and fair elections. Above all, I want Malaysia to be a safe and nice place for my children, for the future generation.

Well he said something along those lines. Guess how old he was? 22!

But even then, I guess I am placing too much hope on some sort of revival. Part of me is hoping that Malaysia will eventually turn out to be a great place to grow old and retire. I don't see much of that happening right now and sometimes it hurts to know that maybe one day I won't return for good. That maybe one day, visiting my immediate family will become a permanent part of life. Sometimes I wish I grew up in a country where I didn't have to live in constant fear of either riots or the ISA knocking on my door for posting blasphemous stuff on my blog. Wishful thinking. I'll be praying for you la Malaysia.

2007-11-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

hey blog, it's been a long time.
It's been a long time since I poured out what's really happening in me. For starters, try journeying through the woven past of 2005-2007. You will never find anything remotely close to the real truth. Yes, I might have been sad or happy or angry and it may have shown but no one really knows why I was sad or happy or angry. So, will today be the first day of coming clean?

a day in the life of swotvac peng

2007-11-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

wake up contemplate what to eat for lunch study loiter around apartment study a bit more chat with friends contemplate going to the gym go to gym for twenty minutes before some asian dude starts staring at me cause i'm using the treadmill too long dinner study. seriously can life get any more mundane. I don't want this anymore. But i also want good grades. i want good grades so i dont have to look like a dummy when people ask me about my results although i dont like it i do that to them sometimes too because part of me is kiasu but the other part is just thinking of ways to start a conversation and that's one of the easiest ways to start a conversation AND also kill it at the same time which works for everyone dont u think...
seriously i just wanna be the lazy person i know i am i don't wanna get panic attacks because i have no reason to i know my stuff i think i shouldn't be getting panic attacks i wanna pass the exam really why am i so neurotic breath breath breath i cant wait for john bevere i really need God i really need peace i really need to feel sane i hate loitering around the house feeling so helpless if i knew that i knew my stuff i wouldn't be doing this garrrrrrrrrrrrrhhh screaaaaaammm this is so lame.

i've been away for awhile now, you've got me feeling like a child now

2007-11-04T06:25:00.000-08:00

speaking of maturity, who here actually feels twenty?

I have been caught up with lots of randomness lately.
Somewhere between filling my time with studying and doing the other things people do on SWOTVAC (namely eat, sleep and study)...I listen, I communicate and I think.
Little did I realise, the more I communicate, the more I know that we are not alone to face this dreary world by ourselves.

It rained today, and yesterday and the night before yesterday. And you know what's so simply simple about us humans? That each time it rains or shines or snows, we aussieasians never fail to comment about the weather. Of course, being me, I change my opinions all the time. I can never actually make up my mind on whether I like it hot or cold. Right now, I like it cold.

It hurts to have it confirmed someone doesn't want to be your friend anymore.
It may not have been a close friend, it may not have meant anything much, but a friend is a friend. And a loss is a loss even if it's not my loss.

Someone came banging on the door last night. And under strict orders, I was told not to open it. While my flatmate and I discussed her predicament, we decided the best way for her to take flight is through the car park access. She left but not before a note was left under the door for her. I could see the look of annoyance on her face throughout the whole period. I can just imagine her stomping up to my room demanding I remove this if and when she reads this. =D.

Even the most depressed person(s) I know can brighten up my day. That says a lot about how much they are worth.

Extremely happy people on the other hand.... let's not go there.

end of random post.

2007-10-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Going to the doctors for the first time in three years was disappointing. After listening to advice from friends and a nagging voice in the left side (the healthy side) of my head to have a doctor check my right ear and neck, I finally relented. A piece of advice??

YOU DO NOT PAY AUD$40 TO HAVE A GP WHO by the way, SPECIALISES IN WOMEN/SEXUAL HEALTH/FAMILY PLANNING TELL YOU ALL YOU NEED IS A MASSAGE, GOOD POSTURE, PAIN KILLERS AND EAR DROPS!

On top of that, I had to pay an extra $24 bucks for my medication.
And if I want a massage I have to fork out extra money.

so, is anyone kind enough to donate to the 'Ai Peng Badly Needs a Massage' fund?
please? i'll be extra nice to you. =)

2007-10-27T22:29:00.000-07:00

The worst moments are the ones set out by stringent rules. Lines that you can't cross over because that would mean the end of it and in a contradictory sense, lines you know you have to cross over if you don't want to see the end of it. Crossing the line is a part of being human. It also represents what is real as opposed to what is shallow.

Don't let rules be the bane of life. Live it like it's real because really, you only get one shot at it.

2007-10-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

Lee Yee tells me, i'm the only one she knows who is in a relationship and isn't emotional at all.
This was a rather weird statement given the general idea that emotional people are the ones whom are looking for life partners and haven't found them.

anyways, this is just a very short post. something for u guys below...
I just watched a very very disturbing video of this guy who used to be from my former high school. a year my junior. *click here for disturbing video*

honestly, it's not that he's bad. he is good..... but it's just sooooo gheeeeeeyyy... no offence ya.

"If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?"

2007-10-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

I looked at a close friend, her brows deeply furrowed as she pondered for a moment on her answer. I already knew what she was going to say. She was going to say what I was going to say. And I was going to say the one thing that would make a person sound intellectual and wise...
"Nothing.."

The reason: There's nothing we would want to change because we simply had no regrets. That by the time we were 50, watching our kids grow up to be like us, regret will still be on the list of things that we have yet to encounter.

The unsurprising thing is this: That I am only 20 and wished I could have done a million and done things differently.

I kinda had this one coming.

Sometimes, what do you do to escape heartache? Do you cry on your best friend's shoulder? Or do you shrug it off and try to have a good time anyway? Do you drown your sorrows by sleeping till dusk? Or maybe the most effective antidote could be immunity.

When the time comes, and all these choices are laid out neatly in front of you like plans waiting to be read and implemented, what would be your exit strategy?

These Boots Were Made For Walking...

2007-10-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

I stumbled into the open courtyard of the Verve/Milano on a Monday evening just when the sun had shone its last rays for the day. The sky - purplish, and the breeze - just the right amount to sooth the parched surroundings. A Chinese woman was practicing her TaiChi in the far corner and some dude was doing some laps in the pool nearby. And just as I was standing there waiting for the others to arrive, I could only think of how perfect it would be to be standing there in the breeze with a ciggie in my hand and not a care in the world.

haha I bet by now ppl are going like... omgoodness... what is wrong with this woman, does this mean she now smokes??? NO LA!

There are certain moments made perfect for the imagination. Not that I smoke, or had the urge to smoke or whatever... but at that exact moment, it just felt right to be standing there with a ciggie in hand regardless of whether or not I wanted to take a puff from that darned thing. Also, disregarding the fact that I was there for some cell group meeting.

0.0.

ap's not so saint/sane anymore. i can't really tell the difference at this point.

Sigh...sometimes watching too much Gossip Girls and Breakfast at Tiffany's doesn't really help a person cope with reality.

wouldn't that save you?

2007-10-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

I wanna rock-n-roll
I wanna give my soul
I'm wanting to believe
I'm not that old
Don't want to make it up
Don't want to let you down
I want to fly away ( to where you are)
But i'm stuck on the ground

Images & First Times

2007-10-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

Today, for the first time in a very long time I went to bed early and woke up considerably early
( 9 a.m.) Today for the first time in a very long time I felt spine tingly happiness, the kind that makes you weep on the inside.

As a rule, people aren't allowed to be happy the whole day cause that's just plain annoying. But today was an exception.

Yes, I felt extremely home sick. Yes, it felt adequately surreal that I was missing out on one of the best joys in life. Yes... I should have been fidgeting and jumping around.

Truth was, I couldn't contain myself inside.

The thing is that for a very long time... up till today, I was indifferent on having kids. I could deal with them, I could deal without them. When people casually mention they would like to have 'this' number of kids in the future, I didn't object nor did I welcome the idea with open arms , it was just another phase in life I thought most married couples had to go through.

But there it was, the still image of me cradling baby Ryan in my arms. In my dreams, he had big round purple eyes. In reality... of course he would have sepet eyes, however slight.
Images...
I called my brother and his exact words were, "sis' baby is just very cute..."
Condition of heart: instant meltdown.

And all this coming from a person who never actually gave a second thought about having kids.

i get to kiss you baby just because i can

2007-10-08T04:42:00.000-07:00

I potong fringe aku hari ini!

so what's new right. I'm just waiting for it to grow because it issss... a teensy bit too short.

I never learn. I never listen. Not only is my body clock topsy turvy.. my body IS topsy turvy.
One can only sleep at 5 a.m. , eat at weird hours and exercise everyday for one month before realising something just isn't right.

2007-10-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

-often, too often, things that start out as a normal part of your life, at some point.. cross the line to obsessive. it would be easy if it were just drugs, booze and cigarettes... but the hardest part about it is wanting to kick the habit. we all get addicted for a reason, right? - meredith grey on addiction.

stalking, facebook-ing, gaming, gambling, bumming, sleeping, loving too much, loving too little, having too much fun, studying too hard, clubbing, eating too much, losing weight, baking, escaping...

we may think that we are the lucky few who escape addiction. take a step out of your bubble, look inside and can you still deny it?

we are all victims in our own ways. don't run. confront it.

I am addicted to my old life. I always find myself tinkering on the line of good and bad. You may think 'bad' is about drugs, sex and booze... it isn't.

It's about straying from the one whom loves you so because you just cannot offer him your everything.

I love you yet i fear you, i would go to the ends of the earth for you but i'm not patient to stare at words while waiting for instructions.

I trust you with my life but i cannot fully commit my life to you just yet.

I know that after all that, you wouldn't love me any less. But does that mean i should be plagued with guilt because of all that i cannot do?

It's the same power struggle between the old and new. It's the same addiction.

-Love loves power. That is why we can suicidally fall in love with others but can rarely reciprocate the love of others who suicidally fall in love with us- elif shafak

2007-10-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

poor Chelsea.
it would seem as if everytime i refreshed the premier league scoreboard, they're one place lower than before. maybe mourinho really was the 'special one'.... at least for them.

I cannot remember when was the last time I mentioned football on my blog. Because I'm a girl without cable tv and an immense dislike for rowdy sports pubs, I guess my interest just died out.
Still an MU fan at heart, I do cheer & jeer whenever I do get to see them play.

Like football, there are lots of other things we used to love in the past. What happened?

2007-10-03T07:18:00.000-07:00

Chicken Vindaloo (Extra Extra Extra Spicy) evidently does not agree with my stomach. For the past 11 hours, my stomach has been emitting loud, popping sounds. I do not get it; this unrequited love between chilly and me.

Do you ever wonder why time hurries so? I looked at the clock, it was 9 p.m. I'm looking at it now and it's 12 a.m. And I still have one million things I want to do before I actually feel like going to bed. Should this continue, I fear my sleeping habits would dictate how well I score in the finals. zzzzzzz...bye H1...zzzzzzz.... bye H1.....

You know what's amazing;

I woke up in time for 10 a.m. class, feeling extremely proud for dragging myself out of bed even if I'd only slept at 2 a.m.. U see, my stupid mac couldn't cut and paste from pdf files hence i had to print, cut and paste 14 diagrams MANUALLY. All this done in the hopes that my essay would seem more intellectual because it came with colourful diagrams.

anyways, back to my story. So there I was like a happy little bunny trotting (? do bunnies trot?) off to class. I saw two of my uni mates in the lecture hall and I practically yawned out, " what time did you guys sleep last night?"

the first replied: 4 a.m.
the other replied: 5.30 a.m.

o.O

and both of them remained super alert throughout the lecture.
how can one???

ok i think i better head off. i want to pray, read a book, watch gossip girl and finish my hw before 3 a.m.
u think can?

music or lyrics?

2007-09-27T07:12:00.000-07:00

do you know
each extra day you hold on to that dream
is another half a day to add to the number of days it takes
to get over that dream.

why do we hold on until it seems too late to turn back?
why do we dream in the first place?

I can never be sure
which i prefer
the music or the lyrics?

you make me sing.. your every line, your every song.. i sing along, cause you're my everything..

2007-09-25T00:26:00.000-07:00

I don't get why most people I know don't like Michael Buble.
seriously, his arrangements original or remade are just fantabulous. Which reminds me, I miss miss miss miss miss miss miss playing my baby grand. my fingers just itch to try out new songs man. I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY BOSTON! garrhhh... it's been 6 months since its release. haih.

current favourite: Everything

so....updates:

I have been taking my time to complete my essay. I'm half way there and I hope it'll turn out okay. scratch that.. i hope i'll receive full marks.

A friend of mine told me: "I don't do my essays, I plagiarise. Exams are more important."

Right. I wish I had that mentality. Then maybe I wouldn't worry so much about whether I'll pass my exams or not. seriously.

Facebook poker is taking over my life. When i'm not doing my essay, writing silly messages on facebook or hanging out with friends and wht nots... i play poker. And it's not even logical because you just win fake money!

Some things never change from high school and all is right with the world. right lee yee? =)

I'm really liking the year so far. so fun la.

everything

2007-09-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

I have not slept before 5 a.m. for the past 5 days.
so usually i wake up feeling like a zombie. Especially since on Thursday i was dragged out from my comfy bed at like 8 a.m. to. go. shop.ping. in. dan.de.nong.

Sometimes I feel extremely hurt and a sense of selfishness slowly creeps into my thoughts. How is it that you can go miles to be friendlier and positive but your effort is just shoved right back in to your face. Then I laugh, because thinking about it, I know a person who has loved everyone in this world unconditionally, but His love just gets shoved back into His face anyway. And here I am complaining how ungrateful the human kind is. He hurts much more than I do, but He loves us still.

------>edited<------ it is now 11.46 p.m. on saturday night. my phone went missing for a total of 18 hours. It was only in the 9th hour that I actually said a simple prayer for the return of my phone, having a little faith that the person who found it would actually have a change of heart and return it to me.. it's strange though how i tried calling last night but someone canceled the calls or something. but today when i went to get it from the bouncer everything was intact and all. =) so now im happy again. although not very happy that i had to spend an extra 60 bucks on getting a new charger and a new sim card. garh. that just really taught me a lesson. don't go clubbing especially right after a church event. some ppl say it's karma, i just say it's well... a valuable lesson. ;)

lol. that was seriously the most hypocritical thing i've ever done in my life.

the 'what is' event turned out to be quite a success. need I say more?
oh yeah... the bf won the latest generation of 'iPod nano'. so he's selling it to buy an iPod touch and giving me his old 60 gigs video. yummy. i'm a benefactor. although it really was a bit unfair seeing that we both had a 50-50 shot of winning it. long story cut short, if he hadn't won it, either celine or I would have. =D

anyways, im feeling extremely tired today. esp after running for an hour on an empty stomach. not the best feeling in the world unfortunately. so, till later days, nights!

happy birthday vidzz...

2007-09-15T10:26:00.001-07:00

And so it is, another one of us turned twenty... cheers vids..
chai, lee yee and I shared this bowl of mussels. yum. a bit too salty, but
goes well with bread.

we decided to go somewhere different and the seven of us (five women, one girl-try and figure out which one- and one man) ended up at 'Von's' along Hardware Lane. The thing about living in Melbourne is... you find all these food treasures hidden in little alleyways. Not that you have to be absolutely adventurous to find them, you just need to take reaaaallly long walks and open up your eyes real big. 0,0.

so these past 6 weeks have been real busy. haven't actually had time to sit down and think. but now the hols are here, all I do is think about what to do in my free time. In the end, I end up using my free time to think about what to do in my free time. It goes around in circles, but that's how it is.

Speaking of which. Here are more things to add to my to-do list before I graduate:

1. eat at Nobu, Vu Du Mont and Fifteen
2. save enough money for a round the world trip - post graduation

ok i'm poofed. God, i need sleep. nightss.

do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand...?

2007-09-11T05:11:00.001-07:00

I finally have superfast internet again, which is good. Yet i'm not 100% all smiles.

Besides going through an awful mid semester test, I just feel very empty because I am through with all my assignments and tests. This is when I feel like I miss KL. BADLY. SO badly that I feel like jumping on the next flight home.

And today Simmy IM-ed me and she said she was having a bad day and told me 'friends here are not like the ones back home'.

And it struck me deep when I reflected on her words. It's okay if the friends you have anywhere in the world aren't like the ones back home. It's not okay if you can't call them because they're not there anymore. It's just not the same calling them anywhere else in the world. I miss KL, I want to go back so badly.

2007-08-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

When I first started tuning in to the word of God, I understood it maybe a bit too literally. Needless to say, I never really got what God was trying to tell me. Even now, I sometimes still don't. When you listen to his messages, he never really seems to give you what you would expect to get sometimes.

Yesterday, we reluctantly willed ourselves to attend church on a Tuesday night. To me, not only was it sacrificing my study time, but really.... I had this full- on headache eating into my brain cells and to top it off, car nausea. Plus, the topic was about being 'first class'. Helloooo.... most of us are barely above average, no way was I going to let some pastor tell me yet again that I should strive to be first class. Easier said than done alright???

But that's exactly it. I never got what I had expected. The moment I stepped into the halls of Melbourne High School, my headache disappeared. Maybe it was because I was distracted or maybe it was something else... whatever it was I didn't care. It was gone, so good for me. Then the pastor started talking.... and as usual, me being presumptuous thought he was going to talk about how it isn't good just to be mediocre... yada yada yada... that in life we should always strive for excellence because God is a God that wants to bless us abundantly... yada yada yada...yeah... i know all these things already....
but no, that's not what he said.

Pastor Chad, instead, opened with a parable of The Good Samaritan. And it's weird, because I never knew the term 'good samaritan' actually originated from the bible. I haven't actually read the bible from front to back before. And then he went on to say, "the samaritan didn't just walk away from the bleeding and naked Jew, although he knew that the Jews despised the Samaritans back in those days. He placed the Jew on his donkey, drove to an inn, gave the innkeeper two silver coins and told the innkeeper to look after this person and should he spend more than required, the Samaritan promised to reimburse that amount."

As it turns out, the message was about how we should give others first class treatment regardless of race, religion, friend or foe. The story goes that this pastor and a friend of his took the opportunity to be the good samaritan. They picked up a hitchhiker, who said he had nowhere to go, gave him $300 and their contact phone numbers, and told him to start anew. In addition, if he needed anything extra, to contact them for help.

Somewhere between listening to this message and stepping out of the congregation, my friend and I realised that although the message was so righteous, so true, something any well brought up person would do... even the most generous philanthropist probably wouldn't stop for a hitchhiker or beggar because common sense would tell him not to do so.

Maybe it's true that we only help people within our means. I mean for two Aussie blokes to pick some stranger up... I guess it's safer for them than it is for two girls. But what about those times when we were actually able to help someone in need but passed them by just because..

On my way to university, I passed by a few homeless people with posted signs saying, 'please help me... i have nowhere to go... etc etc...'
I glanced at said raggedy man with straggly white hair, rattling his near-empty tin can and I did what everyone else did: I gave him the once-over, took a step or two to the side to *avoid* collision and hurried on without ever giving raggedy man a second thought.

This may seem like such a lame cause to feel guilty about. We argue that because everyone else does it, it is excusable behaviour and that you shouldn't beat yourself up for failing to help someone in need. And there is also the perception that said raggedy man would use this money to buy more drugs and beer etc...
but hey, it is never for any of us to judge what they use the money for.
how can we assume that they use the money for these things if we've never bothered to observe or ask them how they are.

Sometimes some of us wish to become righteous in the eyes of God by praying fervently each day and night and adhering to the strict rules of religion. And those who don't seek God but seek social justice and righteousness, write out cheques in the millions for a certain cause. These are good values to live by yet all we really need to remember at times is love your neighbour as you would love yourself.

2007-08-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

hey guys..
I, like simranjit, have decided to leave blogger for livejournal.

see you guys here:
mouthlessap.livejournal.com

2007-08-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

you know it's not a good sign when you fall ill 3 days before you are about to host a barbecue for 15 people, miss two tutorial-packed days of classes and spend 24/7 in bed sniffling, feeling not-so-sorry for yourself (cause my God is good plus codral and vit c's really work their magic).

but i'm wide awake and in an almost-well condition now, pumped up thinking about all that meat i got from vic mart, 15 kg for about AUD $70! and the pretty good company we're gonna have tonight!

it's a barbecue in the middle of winter and i'm not 100% well yet... so i don't plan on 'dressing up' - kononnyer.

until miss trendy loris called me and was like 'what are you wearing tonight? lee yee wearing dress, i don't know what to wear! follow me go supre check out this green dress can? lee yee said it was ugly wor...'

eheh... somehow i'm reminded of high school days where i and lots of other people would talk about what we were gonna wear to the next annual birthday bash to no end. it was so fun. su mei still does it to me when we go clubbing... but ahah, no la... 20 yrs old already. wear whatever you have in the closet lar. =) i guess it's easier for me to choose though, seeing that loris' wardrobe is like ten times the size of mine (this is a fact that no one can dispute).

so anyways, i'm gonna like clean up my room now. it's really messy. and hmm... do homework all weekend. bleuch...
later dayssss

2007-07-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

the older I get, the more I see traits in my parents becoming inherently present in me.
like how my mom can't stand sitting around idle for long periods of time. i can't do it too!
even if it it's merely 2 hours of free time, I feel a must to get up and do something productive.

On saturday afternoon, I felt extremely lost and empty. Cause I woke up at 12 p.m. and there were tonnes of things to do but it was too late in the afternoon to actually accomplish anything constructive...like the pile of reading that i don't necessarily have to do...=P It was just one of those "days". anyways, so I walked around the apartment like.. here and there.. there and here... just thinking in my head 'what do i do, what do i do...'. and I think I just stoned in front of my mac for like an hour feeling very de-pressed for the lack of anything better to do... before i decided to exercise.

So it's true what they say then, like father like son, like mother like daughter. I wonder how long it takes for a daughter to truly become her mother's daughter.

2007-07-26T00:25:00.001-07:00

this came in the mail today. and it was such a mild, nice, surprise because i was feeling a bit under the weather (could possibly be my first ever pms.. hmm..).

it was written two weeks ago and since a week ago, the author has moved and has not emailed nor been in contact with anybody. nor has she left her number etc etc...
su mei, if you read this, where are you???